Whew! As always, Powersheets prep work was intense. Lara Casey and her team have a way of really getting into your heart a soul and tearing it apart, while also building it back up, new and improved.
I completed my goals and tending list on New Years Eve, just in time to start on New Years Day. I am so excited about 2018. For me, 2017 was a year of transitions. You can read more on my about page, but I finished my Masters that I had been working on for 5 years, and got married, something I had decided not to do just a few years before.
For me, 2018 is going to be a year of soul-searching and stabilizing. I’ve started this blog. I want to get healthy. I want to support my husband. We are hoping to start a family in 2019. All of these goals require discipline, and as Lara Casey pointed out, a why.
So I started the Powersheets on December 4, and for me the first few pages were easy. Be honest, write how I feel (therapists have told me in the past I’m really in touch with my feelings, even if I’m not good at expressing them). But I had some incredible epiphanies on pages 10 and 11.
First, allow me to explain my desire to be normal. I know there is no such thing as normal, and I am incredibly appreciative of the variety of personalities and talents in the world. I love meeting different people, with different experiences, and hearing how they use their experiences to improve the world.
But there are some things that are not “normal.” In middle school, I was hospitalized on 4 separate occasions. I was severely malnourished for most of middle school, extremely weak, given a pass to be late for class just because I couldn’t walk very quickly and sometimes I didn’t even feel comfortable walking in busy hallways. I had been diagnosed with a severe case of Crohn’s disease in 6th grade, and while even todays medicines aren’t perfect, they are much better than what they were when I was diagnosed.
I had my first surgery in 8th grade which put me into remission for 10 years (there is no cure for Crohn’s, for some people surgery can help, but it will come back). In high school, I was “healthy,” but still unable to physically keep up with my peers. I did not break 100 pounds until college when I began eating fast food.
But all of this had other impacts on me. Middle school is a time when children begin developing into adults. They learn how to socialize and open up to others. They begin romantic and platonic relationships.I missed this phase in my life. I never learned how to open up to people, how to share my feelings, how to be vulnerable.
This is not normal.
So I seek “normalcy,” and I hope to raise my children to have “normal” concerns and “normal” life experiences. I want my children to be worried about grades and if such and such a boy or girl likes them. I want my children to experience heartbreak and backstabbing when I am still around to help them through it. I want my children to go on dates and get invited to parties. I want my children to learn about themselves and grow as human beings in grammar school, not in their late 20s and early 30s like I did. I want my children to have a support system of friends when they go to college and then when they finish college. I want my children to be “normal.”
Anyway, through all of this, I discovered my why:
My husband and I are financially stable. We live in an idealic neighborhood in a beautiful city (about a block from Rainbow Row). I am somewhat healthy (although I want to improve on that). He is supportive of me and my ambitions, as they’ve changed. I am excited about his burgeoning career. Thanks to our parents support he is able to take risks that will be very beneficial in the long run.
And with all that I have, I wantto live the best life possible. I have put most of my past ambitions behind me, am keeping some as possibilities on the side, but am looking at what I really want to do.
I want to be a mother and raise successful children, no matter how they define success. I want to start traveling again. I want to be able to go out and make memories with my friends whenever I want.
As I continued with my Powersheets, I was able to quickly narrow down the 3 areas of my life to cultivate. Obviously health (which will improve and involve recreation), work (because I come from a long line of alpha and ambitious females), and Spiritual + Personal Growth.
This last one is going to be the most important. There have been probably hundreds of studies on the impact of the mind on one’s physical health. I have also seen reference to studies of people’s mental health on their work. But most importantly, I want to improve my relationships with my friends, my family, and, of course, my husband, and by improving my emotional health and my relationship with God, I will be a better friend, daughter, sister, and wife.
Going into Powersheets, I actually already knew what my word would be (but I still let myself brainstorm a bit). But I still landed on the same word:
I am hyper-critical of myself, and when I’m anxious I’m hyper-critical of others. I don’t go around, telling people how ugly their shoes are or anything (just my husband, but that’s usually in jest), I still have those horrible thoughts.
And those thoughts always original with myself. “I should have gotten up earlier to do my make-up.” “I should have gotten up earlier to do my hair.” “That girl can get her hair to cooperate in this humidity, why can’t I?”
I need to learn how to give myself grace to not be June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver or Laura Petrie from the Dick Van Dyke show (although I would love to get my hair done once a week and wear gloves everywhere). I am a really good cook and I can put myself together well, but I am a slob and I have to take rest days for my health. I need to allow myself to focus on what I can control and makes me feel good: my cooking and getting dressed, and maybe keeping my stuff a little more straight; as opposed to what I can’t control: when I have a crash day.
So this lead me to create 7 goals for 2018:
And of course my January tending list:
I love the scripture at the top:
For monthly goals, I want to become more comfortable with photography. I have bought a light and a background for photos, and love them, and iPhones have come far enough that I don’t need a professional camera. But I’m not very good at editing photos. So I want to learn how to use photo editing apps well. I also want to go through Pilates level 1 twice on Daily Burn, and read Make It Happen, as well as a book called Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps by Kelly Williams Brown. I’ve read both of these before, but I’m really excited to read them again.
I have a lot of weekly goals, including attending church weekly (we haven’t ben very good at that lately), cook twice a week, and clean for 15 minutes three times a week. Developing all of these habits, and growing them in future months, will really improve my life.
I actually have a lot more daily goals, but these are the most important. I really need to do better at drinking water. I always feel better when I drink a lot of water, and so it’s definitely a priority. I also want to read the whole Bible this year with SheReadsTruth, but also take my pills and not eat any gluten, dairy, or sugar (so far no success on that one).
But Powersheets are going to keep me accountable and I’m super excited for 2018!